If you are from India, have been a part of a regular middle class family and have even thought of starting something of your own, am sure you’d associate with the headline itself! Everything that I’ve mentioned below is based on true incidents. I don’t intend to hurt anyone here, still if you did, sorry about it! Getting to the point, straightaway!
Marriage:
About an year back one of my very close friends told me about a product idea. I liked the idea and told him I could work with him on that if he’s willing to seriously build it. His answer was – “yaar abhi job nahi chhod sakta, 6 mahine mein shaadi hai” [Dude, I can’t quit job right now, getting married in 6 months]. Okay, get married but why do you want give up on an idea you believe in? Your girl will understand, won’t she?
Guess what? Obviously, he never build it and few months back I saw someone (very famous in the startup community) roll exactly that product out and is quite close to getting funded too! Yeah, my friend’s “happily married”, barely at 27!
Update [Oct 19, 2013]: This guy who went ahead and is building this product recently got funded $150,000 and got featured on Techcrunch too!
I know an entrepreneur who literally fights (or used to at some point) with his wife everyday just because she wants another kid and he doesn’t. His company has just come out of startup mode and is heading towards being an SME. “I have a 4 yr old kid and having another one now would take me 4 years back! I have been slowly planning the financials but this would mean I start planning all over again, save even more and take even fewer risks!” is what he said!
One of my ex girlfriend had started talking about marriage barely when we had graduated. I never denied marrying her but I used to tell her lets first achieve something, I want to do a few things in life, be a successful entrepreneur and all this might take a little time, there’s no point in getting married quickly and then allocating funds to expenses that could have been avoided at that age, but no, she wouldn’t listen! Of course, she’s happily married and I, having failed 2 startups in the past, am still building another startup! (I hope this post reaches you, lady!)
Oh! And that concept of getting your kids married at the right age => guys before 30 and gals by 26-27 max! I’ve always stressed, there’s nothing called such as a “right age” – why not just get married when you are ready – 25 or 32 – how does it matter? I hope you’re not thinking about that old shit about retiring and then marrying your kids before that <- That actually is the root problem!
Family:
Sorry to say, but the uncles and the aunts in our (normal middle class) families are the worst. They will keep asking your salary, some of them every single f***ing month. These relatives are probably the ones whose kids would have done “nothing” in their lives, graduated from some (worthless) A league institution in India and landed a fat paying job. And believe me these are absolutely good for nothing folks. If you are a startup guy, you already know that, don’t you 😉 They would join a company through campus placement and would be too scared/complacent/useless that they would spend their entire life within that single organization – without even doing something innovative! These uncles would be happy to show the entire family that the ad in TOI today was done by their kid while all that ad would have is a bollywood diva holding a soap bar in her hand. THATS IT!?! That’s all you learnt in your fancy B School?
What’s the big deal in it? If I pay TOI that much, they will even publish a horse shit pic, they just want money! But no, these are the ones who are valued in your family! Whatever they say are Golden Diamond words. What’s worse is you are always compared to these dumb folks whenever you go to a family gathering. And most, all of them would look at you as if you are the piece of shit lying on the roadside.
To share another case, one such highly respected family member told me to look for a career in animation, back in 2007-08. Recently, I met him at another family gathering a few months back and he said “tum animation me kuch kyu nahi try karte?” [Why don’t you try something in animation?] I was like…dude? You are still the same! Your thoughts are still stuck where they were 4-5 years back! By the way, this member is probably the highest respected person in my family and heads delivery at a multi billion (yes Billion) dollar enterprise and travels abroad every week. Yeah, (sadly) that’s what puts the stamp on his authority! Am quite sure even Steve Jobs or Bill Gates would have spent more time with their families at his age (and still earned much more if that’s what you want to hear).
More problems we face with family/neighbours in this book.
Flat:
The other fantasy about middle class family people is owning a flat! I never get this point. I, really don’t! Why do they want your kid to buy a flat and then spend the rest of his life paying back the loan? Coming from middle class, we’ve never had loads of money to spend. So the way out always is to pay probably a 10th or even less initially and then take a loan for 60% for the next 15-20 years.
And is duly supported by our Financial system! Go and try to raise money for your startup and the same money for a home, you’ll know what I mean!
Once you have a loan on your head, that too a home loan, for not less than 40-50 Lacs, am sure you wouldn’t be willing to take a risk, would you? And that tension of repaying that loan! Anyways, there is very little probability that our kids would stay in that house for long. They’d go places, do stuff in life and make it big themselves! Actually this would connect with Rahul Dewan’s post where he talks how retired people should recede back to smaller towns and do great things. A brilliant thought by the way, go read that!
In another relationship, I told my girl that I don’t earn great right now and that I am trying to build a company and shared the vision. At first she appreciated my honesty but then within a few weeks she asked “Abhinav, hum ghar kab lenge?” [Abhinav, when will we buy a home?] That day itself I knew – she wasn’t the one! No wonder that relationship didn’t last long.(I am quite sure you’re reading this!)
I guess I’ve written, read ranted, too much already or else I won’t be allowed to enter my hometown the next time!
Update: I realized most people, even though agreed to this, say its inconclusive. I must add this: The point is that people who can bear all these pressures and can still build a company, are the ones whom we call SUCCESSFUL!
Update2: Somebody got so inspired that he made a short movie out of this. I got to know from the comments section.
Hi Abhinav
I was inspired by your blog to write and direct a short movie on the topic. It’s now released on YouTube. Thanks for watching and hope you like it!
Here it is:
Update 4 [Oct 23, 2013]: This article has led me to an interview in the prestigious The Week magazine. [Looks like they pulled down the online version of the article, was in their Sept issue]
Update 5: [Apr 19, 2014]: A small section of people thought this blog is sexist, my sincere apologies to you if you think so. However I do not agree with that point and here’s my reply to it: The Flat-Family-Marriage blog raises societal issues and is NOT sexist: Here’s Why
[Update 6: The most important one] The article was published on Feb 13, 2013. On Nov 26, 2014 I got married and I am still an entrepreneur. Maybe a year later I would write how it has been 🙂
Wrote something similar on the issue of Marriage and menace of prospective in-laws.
Have a read here: http://yourstory.in/2013/03/ys-lounge-the-biggest-challenge-indian-startups-are-facing/
I agree to most of the points… We Indians need to ditch the “I-am-27-lets-get-married” syndrome and enjoy what we like to do. I like to travel and hike. I am not giving this up until I am 50! 🙂
Good read! So true man. Story of every Indian.
Exactly my thoughts mate. But personally my family and circle respects me more than fellow TCS, Infosys, even Microsoft cousins/friends. Think times are slowly changing.
Abhinav, hum ghar kab lenge ?? 😀 😀
While I agree with the original thought behind this post, I disagree with the attitude and tone of lambasting everyone who is not a start upper!
Some bitter words on your way… so fasten your seat belt! 🙂
Some of the lines I strongly disagree with or find paradox are –
You talk about the IIM graduate having an ad in TOI with celebrity as not-so-innovative. While I agree with that, I consider selling t-shirts online is no more innovative. you know what I mean! Now don’t get me wrong here, I am not saying your start-up is not good but I am just confused with your definition of ‘innovative’. If innovation is one parameter you long for, you could have definitely found out more innovative idea and worked in direction of creating next google or apple! On the contrary there are people doing day job and doing much more innovative work 🙂 Again, I feel any start-up that has consistent revenue is a good startup so I am not lambasting your startup. Respect the choices others are making for their lives!
Next – about Steve Jobs and Bill Gates having more time for family at the age where your ‘uncle’ travels abroad every week…. well they were millionaires (in dollar terms and in 80s) at your age! 🙂 If you compare highly successful people of one geographies and one cultures with middle-class people of another completely diverse geography and culture, you will always be able to lambast on of them…. take any comparison! You are kind’a saying that if one is not as succeful as Jobs or Gates, he/she is shit! 🙂
You talk about your GFs – well, from your perspective they may be wrong but than is it fair to expect
everyone to have ‘your perspective’ for life? You move on – fair enough, but what’s the point of criticizing them for having a different perspective?
Meet an artist and he may criticise this generation of india for being too much ‘startup minded’ and not
having enough interest in arts!
So while I agree with your perspective because of my interest in start-ups, I do not criticise others having different perspective and different priorities in life!
All the very best for your start-up. (This is not sarcastic – I mean it 🙂 )
Good one. I’ve been going through it since the past one year and learned many things, made many mistakes, saw my baby (start up) failing and trying to getting things back. I have a supporting bf (who also has a start up), other than that everyone around me is telling me to find a “real job”. It’s a harsh world out there and all the best for u.. and I guess being an unmarried woman, trying to do a start up, the challenges are limitless, but still trying
Abhinav, thanks for the nice read. I run a small ‘successful’ design agency here in Chennai and I do know how difficult it is for you. It’s been a bumpy road for me too, but then you have to be stupid if you plan to do something no one (or very few) around you do and expect it to be a road without thorns.
However, let’s face some hard facts.. in Indian conditions:
‘You’ are an investment. Your family expects an ROI. How long would you keep investing in your startup and wait patiently to recover it? 25 years? 30 years? Don’t think so.
I hope you’re earning enough to support yourself by now, if not prepare for hell. Parents are not going to, will not, need not, support you forever. What bothers me in your post is that you speak just one line about your ‘two’ failed startups.. yet you take the time and a few paragraphs to ridicule your friends & family. The guy did an advert on TOI, he and his family have that to show. What do you’ve? Two failed startups and a new website? Seriously? Show them the money and they’ll believe in you. The other guy (the most respected person in your family) has obviously achieved something in his life that’s worth respecting.
I don’t understand your rant on ‘worthless’ bschools either. I hope you graduated from a ‘top of the line’ institution, yet here you are, not able to admit your failure and blaming it on almost everyone around you. You think you’re the only one handling pressure? Not the ones working in corporates? Not the ones working round the clock at home, cooking and nurturing kids?
Your girlfriends, what the heck do they care? If you can’t support yourself or a girl that would expect you to marry her, why get into a relationship especially when you’re so engrossed in your startups? People make mistakes, admit them, fix them and move on.
And regarding value in the society, you don’t demand that you be valued, you command value and respect. If you can’t, stop complaining. Live with it or work towards achieving it.
Don’t you think you are assuming that all entrepreneurs are male? These issues are things that every young Indian person goes through. Yes, you have presented your experience from the perspective of your own personal experience, let’s not forget there are also women with ideas that they want to bring to life.
Solution anyone??? Everyone has agreed to the problem..
Reasons are easy to find.. Solutions is the tougher part (not always)..
Hey Abhinav!
Nice blog you have and felt good after reading your post. My life is going almost according to your post buddy 😉 I completed my bcom and my DBM in advertising and now doing my MBA in Media & Entertainment.. But also I work as a freelance music composer – singer and advertising professional 🙂
Doing different n unique things in this single life! Listening to our inner feelings is important! Shaadi, Ghar aur Uncles and Aunts come and go but our life is ONCE IN A LIFETIME 😉
Check out my blog too 🙂 I keep updating my musical works, poetry and advertisements.
http://www.itsmephalgunn.wordpress.com
Astonishing! I am soo dying to write a big fat article on exact similar lines and wish it reaches my parents somehow indirectly 😉 Way to go Abhinav.
Best,
Kirty
Finally good to see that, there are a lot of people who think in this way. Great presentation abhinav……… I am an entrepreneur…. I have also faced few issue already specially the marriage one 🙂 ….. still pursuing my dream hope it will come true soon 🙂
Very well said..could connect alot!
Hi Abhinav,
candid post!
Must congratulate you for that. Your point about love-interest pushing for the marriage is spot on. Possibly because I find it hardest of the three lines of pressure you mention above to shrug off. However, I will like to add a rider to your post here.
You talk about how the dumb family peers from the worthless A-schools and having fat paying jobs are put up as unwanted yard-stick against your well meaning pursuit. That has to be tough on you friend. But this statement also implies monolithic judgement on your part, not much different than saying that a certain religion harbours terrorism. While it’s understandable that you may not, and need not, want to touch upon every specific reason for the individual’s choice of career, it certainly doesn’t harm to give a leeway to others for doing whatever they want to do. Much like you expect for yourself and your fellow start-up enthusiasts. If the salaried cousins are compared against you by your distant relatives, it is no fault of these dumb kids. For all you know, they might be adding some(or none) value to a company which was once opened by an esteemed person like yourself and would be completely oblivious to the grudge you come to hold against them. Remember, your parents are somebody’s distant relatives too, and you would know better than controlling/tracking their activities in family gatherings. So why to blame these scared/complacent/useless people in that case?
Go about happily with your pursuit. You have my best wishes in that. But don’t try to belittle and trivialize other people’s lives and choices. They are much more complex and context driven then you seem to appreciate.
Thanks.
Well said.
Gotta agree with you, my friend. You are absolutely correct. Most in the family values the words of someone who works abroad or at a high position. I have experienced this myself.
I am also planning to do a startup and is cultivating on an idea and am facing lot of pressure from family. The funny thing is that the ones who are putting pressure are not my parents or brother or sister. They are some uncles and aunts from some long relation whom even I don’t know correctly. I do understand that you have faced a lot of difficulty in doing a startup.
Best wishes for your startup.
Regards,
Sajin
I just read what is on my mind 😀
Hey,
I won’t deny that over the last year, specifically a couple of months before I turned 25, I began to feel an added pressure to “sort” my life out. After having thought about what that meant, I realized that the stress was so misdirected because of a whole plethora of friends, acquaintances and the likes getting hitched, making basic salaries, and defining achievement by how comfortable life is instead of how much you genuinely enjoy what you do everyday and that it accounts for something in the bigger scheme of things.
After a lot of unnecessary brooding, I finally decided to direct the stress appropriately.. stayed as away as I could from FB and the incessant flood of wedding pictures, and began working towards realizing a long lost dream. 🙂
It truly is refreshing to read this post. A perspective that doesn’t sit well with most people of all ages, but also one that needs to be said out loud. Very well written. 🙂
Cheers!
Awesome! 🙂 Keep writing ..
Every word is true here and its been observed here too: http://www.slideshare.net/WorldStartupReport/india-startup-report
Lets see what does the world have to say. Incoming from HackerNews….
You have hit on the right spot buddy. Best of luck for your startup. I know you will break out of this mess very soon! 🙂
Thanks Salim bhai
I think everything is about balance.. today society is at one extreme and you are talking about other..
Life is like lemon spoon race… there is no point in building a billion dollar startup all you life and getting married at 40. It would be failure of your life ..
And if you can’t bear marriage its your problem, your incapability to handle things.. You are incapable at handling your personal and professional life..
btw typo in beginning “an year”
Being not married is a failure. By your definition – Ratan Tata, A P J Abdul Kalam, Atal Bihari Vajpayee to name a few are all failures.
To the point. but sounds like you are pissed off these people, which should not happen.
You dont expect everyone in the world to have there own company , or do whatever they imagined of doing right?
I cannot agree more with you.
There is a broader problem. Indian society does not look up to their entrepreneurship as heroes whereas they are celebrated as real champions in many other societies.
It is surprising that our society do not celebrate entrepreneurs like NRM, Nadan, Azim Premji, Shiv Nadar, Sunil Mittal to name a few. I don’t think many people know that all of the jobs in India after 1990 have been created by these guys and alikes.
I think the worries of parents are rightly placed because they don’t see any support system/ecosystem for entrepreneurs in the country. Risk capital is simple not available, government is not supportive so what will happen if an enterprise fail (and statistics say 9 out of 10 fail in the first year of inception and out of remaining 4 out of 5 fail in next 5 year), how will an entrepreneur sustain his family or where will he live and therefore their advice.
So the entrepreneurs of today (in India) are very courageous lot and are surly made of different material and same cannot be expected of everyone.
Hi Abhinav,
Just randomly stumbled upon on your blog entry. I must say, it felt like reading my own thoughts, esp with buying the flat and getting “settled” in life!
Wish you all the best in your ventures! Keep fighting for the change 🙂
Thanks!
Navina